Zutara Week: Storm

How long have I been in this storm?

They walked out of the chapel, hand in hand, a grin on her blushing face and a small smile on his. The clouds above were dark and gray but it didn't matter. He had her and she had him. She held the sky blue ("Blue." He had contradicted. "Sky blue!" She had yelled back.) Flowers in her right hand, and her white gown brushed the steps of the church lightly. The sky crackled and all the wedding attendees looked up. It was as if the heavens opened when the rain poured down. Looking back, Zuko took it as a sign. Everything bad was bound to happen during a storm. But at the time, he barely took notice of it.

He was 21, she was 20, they were happily married, going to have 5 kids, ("Five?" She squeaked. Zuko had nodded, nuzzling his head against hers.), and grow old together. That wouldn't happen, not now.

So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form.

The tires screeched and the glass shattered. "Katara!" He yelled until his voice grew hoarse. "Katara!" Katara, Katara, Katara, Katara. No. No! He shook her shoulders roughly, his fingers digging into her skin. There was so much blood. So much. Her white dress was soaking in it. He felt his eyes fill with water. Her eyes opened, eyelashes fluttering, her blue gaze unfocused. "I'll miss you," She whispered, her voice cracking, "And I'll wait for you. Zuko." Then there was too much red. All Zuko could see was red. Red. Red being washed away by the rain, but not enough to bring her back. Nothing would ever be enough.

Water's getting harder to tread.

"She's real beautiful, Zuko. You should see her. They made her look absolutely perfect, like she never–"

Sokka stopped himself, bowing his head and sniffing loudly. Zuko ignored him. He continued, "They put her in this blue dress, man, she's beautiful." Zuko's hand clenched around the flowers he was holding. The petals crumbled and fell to the floor silently. His eyes narrowed and he turned to his would-be-brother-in-law, "Sky blue. It's sky blue." And then he dropped the flowers to the ground, pivoting away from the coffin.

Not that telling the real color of the dress would make a difference anymore. Sokka put a hand on his shoulder and Zuko shrugged it off. He walked out of the funeral home. It was raining again. He sat down on the steps slowly, putting his head between his knees. And he cried.

These waves keep crashing over my head.

"Hey, Zuko here. Sorry I haven't come to see you. It's just…I…I miss you. It was tough at first, but I'm okay now…no. No, I'm not, actually. I need you 'Tara. So much. I'm so, so sorry. It should've been me. I'm sorry. Well. I just wanted to say hi. And I love you." Zuko dropped the flowers to the ground uselessly. He turned around angry and feeling stupid to see Aang.

"I'm sorry." He said, digging the toe of his shoe in the muddy ground. "I'm sorry I didn't come to your wedding. I should've been there. I just couldn't let go of her, I'm sorry." Zuko nodded, but said nothing. He lowered his head before walking past him. The young man laid a gentle hand on his arm to stop him. "She wouldn't want you to be like this," he said softly. "I know her." Zuko grabbed his wrist forcefully, not turning around. "You know nothing." He growled as he let his hand dropped. He walked away slowly, the clouds sprinkling fresh water on his shoulders and head.

Zuko didn't look back. Aang stood unmoving in front of the headstone, watching him go. Silent tears trailed down his cheeks, intermixing with the rain. "No. I know her." He whispered, "I know her." But
even Aang wasn't convinced.

Barely surviving has become my purpose.

It gleamed. The cold metal smiled up at him and Zuko kept his face blank. It was habit. It was ritual. This was habit. This was ritual. A rumble of thunder echoed outside before the rain pounded down on his roof. The razor glinted as he turned it over, inspecting it and letting it shine in the single light from the lamp in his room. His back was against the wall and one knee was bent, the other straight. His hood was up, shading his face and his eyes that dared to betray him. His hair had grown out, the bangs reaching to the bridge of his nose and covering his eyebrows.

He flipped the sharp steel over in his hands, smoothing his fingers over the edges. He tilted it towards the light. There in the reflection, a hint of blue, a glimpse of brown. Startled, Zuko lifted his head to the image. Nothing. He screwed his eyes shut and inhaled shakily. His chest heaved and his eyes flickered. Slowly, he pushed up the sleeve of his sweatshirt, the black fabric sliding easily up his arm. He turned his wrist over to show pale, luminescent skin.

A bolt of lightning flashed outside, distracting Zuko from his mission. It lit up the sky, showing the rain drops that fell steady and fast. She loved rain. He set down the blade and buried his face in his hands.

If I could just see you,

"I just can't do it anymore, Zuko. I love you, but I just…can't." He hung his head, silent, not lifting his eyes from the ground. The girl sighed and lay her delicate fingers on his chin, raising his face to see hers. He kept his eyes closed and his face a stone wall; he couldn't let any emotions slide through his façade.

"Zuko…you can't even look at me." The girl growled and let go of his face, she brushed the black hair out of his eyes and Zuko looked up to see dark orbs shining with unshed tears. His golden ones sank back to his feet, and he attempted to shake the image of cobalt ones staring at him. She wasn't here. She wouldn't be here anymore.

Everything would be alright.

Mai sighed and let her hand fall gracefully to her side. Her eyelids lowered, encasing her emotions in a delicate shell. "Good bye, Zuko." She said softly, turning away from him. Her rigid from led their child away from him, the rain pouring on their souls. He wanted to call out to her, to tell her not to go, but he couldn't. He couldn't hurt them anymore. Zuko grimaced and shoved his hands deep into his pockets. He couldn't even say goodbye. The only thing he could picture was her. Her chocolate curls, her ocean eyes, her bright smile…

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown.

Zuko sat in his office, one hand holding his chin, the other fingering a pen. He was supposed to be signing the divorce paper, but he couldn't bring himself to move. He couldn't bring himself to breathe without her. He lay down the pen and cradled his head in his arms. He could almost hear her laughing, clear and strong, like a waterfall bubbling until the sound crashed and burned near the rocks at the bottom. It'd been ten years.

Ten years and he still couldn't get over it, over her. Everyone else had been able to wipe her smiling eyes out of their memories, her tender voice, and her cooling hands. Even Aang had been able to start anew. So why was it that Zuko, cold-hearted, angry, hot-headed, insensitive Zuko couldn't even begin to forget her. She had left them, left him. And he hated her.

Hated her. Zuko sighed as he picked up the pen and signed his name under Mai's. How was it he could hate her so much, yet he couldn't let her go?

So why am I ten feet under and upside down?

He groaned, hands on the edge of the sink, looking in the mirror. He was trying to remember. Remember how he was before the storm. But he couldn't. It was too hard, his memory was plagued with dreams of her and everything else was a blur. He opened the medicine cabinet, searching the shelves of orange bottles for something, anything to make him remember. Or forget.

He grabbed a bottle randomly, opening the lid and pouring the contents onto his hand. The white, fragile, precious pills piled on top of each other. Zuko lifted his cupped hand to his mouth and swallowed. The pills tumbled dangerously down his dry throat. The pain filled his senses and his hands fisted in fear, but then they had all slid down till there was no more. He relaxed.

Zuko closed his eyes, relinquishing in the comfort they gave him. He could feel her. Feel her soft arms draped loosely across his middle, her chin tucked into the crook of his neck, her hair tickling his jaw. He wanted the moment to last forever. "Zuko!" A young girl hollered, his daughter, Ursa. His eyes flashed open and the warmth was gone. Everything was once again cold.

'Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface.

"Zuko." Ignoring the voice, he swung open the cupboard door, rummaging for what he needed. There it was. Scowling, he twisted off the cap and took a long swig from the bottle, relishing in the burning sensation running down his throat.

"Zuko." He took another drink, tossing his head back and gulping down the hot, liquid. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "Zuko!" He snapped his head to the direction of the speaker to see his daughter, her chin quivering, her hands shaking and her eyes wide with fear. He ruefully set the liquor on the counter and ran the palms of his hands down his cheeks.

"Daddy," She hadn't called him that in years. "Daddy, you're scaring me." Zuko's throat closed up and his vision went blurry. He was a monster. He'd become exactly what he hated. He'd become his father.

If I had to see you, this darkness would turn to light.

Ursa ran. Her chest heaving, her hair flying behind her, little puffs of white breath blowing out her mouth. She was a fast runner. She had track meets that Zuko never showed up at and she won races that Zuko never knew about. But it was okay. Running made her feel free, like she had a purpose, like her mom and dad were still together, like her life wasn't ripping apart at the seams, like she wasn't running in the middle of the night to her mom's house because she had to get her, there was something wrong with Daddy.

The rain fell slowly.

Drizzling at first, collecting on her skin and hair but it wasn't raining not yet. She quickened her pace. She hated it when it rained; it made Zuko like he was now. And that scared her. She reached the steps of Mom's house and she pounded on the door, out of breath. She had left her key at Zuko's. The door opened and there stood Mom, hair swept up in a ponytail, clad in a maroon robe, her eyes tired and puffy.

"Ursa?" Ursa nodded and threw her arms around Mommy. "Daddy…daddy–mommy, help." She sobbed, her voice breaking and her body racked with chokes and wild cries. Then the clouds formed together and the rain fell.

And I will walk on water. And you will catch me if I fall. And I will get lost into your eyes.

"Zuko? Zuko?! Zuko!" Mai's cold hands shook the man by his shoulders, his head lolling back and forth uselessly. She dropped him, her fingers flying to her mouth to stifle her gasp. Her eyes betrayed her and she blinked back tears. She still loved him. She always would.

"Daddy!" Ursa cried, falling to her knees and throwing herself on his lifeless form. Mai felt the tears slide down her cheeks but she didn't take notice, she rubbed her daughters back slowly and wiped the saltiness from her eyes, trying to control herself, but God, Zuko, why'd you have to leave her?

I know everything will be alright.

Zuko opened his eyes, the blinding white searing his pupils and invading his mind to the point of him falling to his knees in pain. Then it subsided. All he saw was her. Was the white of her dress, the sky blue flowers in her hands, the brown tendrils that lay softly against her cheeks. "Zuko?" She asked her voice crystal clear and music to his ears. He didn't move.

"Zuko!" The girl dropped her bouquet to the ground and wrapped her arms tightly around him. He breathed in her scent. Like water lilies. She was so beautiful. "I missed you." She choked out, and Zuko felt her tears dampen his shoulder, but he didn't care. He finally had her. Finally. He breathed her name, "Katara.", and then he smiled.

Everything is alright.